Fuck Love

So ive been really down lately. I just feel alone and lonely. and depressed. Ive never really thought about having a guy in my life until now. But i dont understand why i have the urge to have a boyfriend or someone like that.

I hate guys. and all the bullcrap with it. but i want to get involved in it and, and i dont know. i guess i want to feel loved. but not by just any guy, it has to be a specific kind of guy. A guy who loves me for me, not for my looks. A guy who likes my weird laugh and doesnt get embarrassed by it in public. A guy who see within me. A guy who wants more then just sexuality in the relationship. A guy who just wants to hold me and never let go. A guy who respects me but knows when to stand up and speak against me. A guy who will guide me to the right path. I want that guy. but there is no such thing as that.

I guess all the daydreaming ive done my whole life was pointless. Cuz nothing will happen the way i thought it would. But thats life right? Expect the unexpected.

Honestly, ive never wanted a guy beside me. Ive always been the independent one, the one who will exceed without a guy to hold me down from reaching my dreams and goals. So why do i want someone like that now? and its not that time of the month either.... Ive seen what has happen to my girlfriends getting screwed over by their boyfriend, taking thier virginity away and leaving thier heart in pieces. So why would i ever want that???

Sometimes, i wish everyone was blind so looks wouldnt exist. But wishes are fictional, its just something that will never happen no matter how much u wish. the word 'wish' is a waste. Because wishes are something u desire that you know wont happen, but dreams, dreams have a chance of coming true. Dreams are real, and they can be accomplished. Hmm.
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Me and asshole (Mars) are done. Officially. I dont know how stupid i was to even start anything with him over the summer, and to actually see him and sneak out for him. And sacrifice all the things i did for him. What a waste. Waste of my time and life. It wouldve never worked out between us, we are on completely different places in life. We are experiencing different things. We have nothing in common. Nothing. He doesnt make me happy. He makes me self conscience. He makes me scared. He makes me feel ugly and helpless. Like i cant have anyone else...And i was never excited to see him, ever. Every time i was about to go see him, id make sure i looked pretty, or tryed to look pretty, and give him what he wanted. Well now its time for what i want. And i dont want you. I dont. I deserve better. I know i do.